Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
