I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's get the cat blown out
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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