my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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