remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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