Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
