you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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