The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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