i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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