Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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