seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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