I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Screwed.edu
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
