I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
