On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
