Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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