i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You pole danced in your parka.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
