Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
