you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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