Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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