She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
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She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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