Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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