when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
