I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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