I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
