"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
