Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
