So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
