Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You made out with two different species that night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
