The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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