i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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