I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
