Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
