Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
