did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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