Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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