so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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