I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
