Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
