He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
