I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
