the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
