drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
