God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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