Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
