So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
