Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
