I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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