Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
