I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
