dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
