Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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