god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
