got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
