She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
