Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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