hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
