My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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